I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize