I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
