BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
