Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I need moral support for this bender
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize