So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
