did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
