I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
