bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
