i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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