My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
