I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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