smell my finger.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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