Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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