is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize