sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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