I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
