my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
