I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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