then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
