I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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