I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
