And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
