I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
