I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You ate ashes out of my bong
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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