I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
