I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize