hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize