You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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