My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
