yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you had me at cake vodka
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize