just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
