we have pet lesbian snakes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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