**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
