Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
