God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
