FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i think i have herpe
just one?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
