That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
