Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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