I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
