I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
