I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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