Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
