I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
