she woke up with a sticky ear
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
