how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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