It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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