my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
