You're my little dorito
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
