i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You may now shotgun with the bride
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
