I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
