i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
