she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
