fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize