why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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