if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
