your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize