Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
