Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
