I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize